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The goofiest crack yet.

Request: LJ kitties

giddy
kittiesHarry2bday



“Deck the floor with moles and fleas, tra lalalala la la la la,” sang Harry. “Knock stuff over, lose Lora's keys, tra lalalalala la la la la.”

“That's not even nice,” Helo scolded. “You shouldn't do that to your fooder.”

“You're not the boss of me,” Harry sniffed his disdain. “Captain Agathon.”

“At least I don't pee in a toilet,” Helo said.

“At least I cover my poop.”

I cover my poop. Merlin's the one that doesn't.”

“Seriously, Helo,” Merlin said, stretching out a very long leg in front of him and resting his chin in shame on the floor. “It doesn't even matter who does what in the litter box. We're stuck in Seattle. We meant to get back to Illinois to be with our fooder, but something went dreadfully wrong.”

“That's because Gideon fucked around with the controls again,” Bangs said restlessly, pacing back and forth, his tail swishing from side to side. “Whenever we leave Middle Earth you have to press the green button, not the orange. The green gets us all back where we belong. The orange picks a fooder location at random. And we were meant to be at Hanarobi's before she gets home from her Philosophy department party. Instead we're all here with Harry. What a joy. La di da.”

“I didn't touch the controls,” Gideon said, swatting Bangs's face.

“Aren't you the one who got us stuck in Mordor instead of Rivendell? Seriously, what, can't you read?” Bangs spat back.

“Did so!” The two wrestled on the ground while Harry looked on in continued disdain.

“Hey!” Tuxie boomed from the corner. “Enough! How am I supposed to get back to Maryland before Moo eats all my food?” He began to weep a little at the idea of no food in his bowl.

“Don't worry,” Helo said, rubbing up against Tuxie. “Whenever Merlin eats all my food, I just start knocking stuff over and chewing on cords to get my fooder's attention. It works every time. First she flails and yells, but then she looks into my blue eyes and gives me more.”

“Bored now,” Maia rolled around on the floor. “Oh, my, this carpet is rough. Wait till I tell my sister about how much room Harry has here. And there's an actual bird bath in the yard. I MUST convince our fooder to get us one.”

“Lora's going to be home any minute from the car place,” Harry hissed. “You all need to get into the machine and be gone! I'm not sharing my food with you or anyone.”

“I want to see the toilet trick!” Helo said.

“Seriously, Helo,” Merlin said. “you're a little obsessed with Harry and the toilet.”

The kitties all got inside the machine.

“The green button,” Harry heard Bangs say in a bossy manner. “The green – oh, come on! Really?”

“I didn't touch it, honest!” Gideon said.

Harry watched with disdain yet again as the machine spun out of control and ended up who knew where. Perhaps even as far away as Malaysia with Layne the Fooder.

Well, Harry thought, as long as he kept all the moles of Seattle to himself, he didn't much care. He waltzed into the bathroom and jumped on the toilet. Just another day in paradise, lady. Another day in paradise.

Far away, in distant San Diego, a mischievous dog named Pip played with a universal remote. She giggled to herself. Soon all the cats would be fighting among themselves and spinning around from fooder to fooder and eventually into oblivion – and Pip would have ALL the fooders to herself.
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