Ringwraiths...my precious...
Sep. 21st, 2002 08:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
claudia603I'm shameless, folks. This little snippet is especially dedicated to sallygardens :), but also to everyone else who uh...enjoyed...that gem on ff.net. Now I labored on this a whole twenty minutes...so be kind!
They lay in bed, watching out the large cracked window of the tower.
“Frodo, my precious.”
A cold hand touched Frodo’s back. Frodo turned his face stubbornly into his pillow. “I will not speak to you until you take that ridiculous black cloak off.”
“Sssssss.” A cold breath on Frodo’s neck sent shivers up his spine. “My love. My heart. Anything for you.”
“And you promised we would build a real house. That was three years ago. We continue to live in this dump with no privacy. Mount Doom grumbles so much that I can hardly sleep at night. I’ve asked you several times to get rid of that nasty orc-eating spider you insist on keeping as a pet. You seem to forget it nearly killed me.”
The Captain sounded hurt. “I thought you two had made up. And don’t call Shelob an it. That hurts her feelings.”
“IT disgusts me,” Frodo said, turning to face the Captain of the Nazgul. “It, it, it. I shall call Shelob an it as long as it pleases me.” Frodo stubbornly crossed his arms.
“Peace, my precious Baggins, peace,” the Captain said. “Please? Could we please have sex tonight? You haven’t put out in three weeks. I’m turning cold inside.”
Frodo sighed, indignant. “How does that make me feel better? I have to pleasure myself while you put your wraithy member inside me. What am I supposed to do? Imagine that something’s inside me? If I didn’t take care of myself, all I would feel is cold air. Actually, now is as good a time as any. We need to talk.”
The Captain recoiled with a deadly hiss as Frodo sat up, his arms still crossed.
“Come now,” Frodo patted the bed next to him.
The Captain sat beside him, his shoulders slumped. Then a white, bony hand crept over to Frodo’s knee and began to rub. “Come my little button mushroom, let’s forget all this silly talking.”
“And you still haven’t taken off your cloak,” Frodo said, pulling away. “Now, I’ve been doing some thinking. I think we should see other people.”
“Ssssss!” The Captain recoiled again. His bony hands clawed the air in dismay. “No, Frodo! Please! I can change. I promise!”
Frodo spoke, his cheeks flushed with desire—desire to leave. “I think I should like to go home. First I shall pass through Emyn Arnen. Prince Faramir and I have some unfinished business to take care of. And by the way, he has something real in his pants. And he actually disrobes when he has sex. Then I shall stop by Minas Tirith. Aragorn told me that if I should change my mind, there was always a spot for me in his bed. And last but not least, I shall go home to the Shire, where Sam and Rosie have been keeping the bed very warm for me. Yes, I will leave at once!”
Frodo leaped from the bed and began to pack. The Nazgul wept in great screeching wails.
“My precious, no! I cannot bear it if you leave me! Come, come in Mordor you shall stay!”
Frodo turned to him from the exit. “You shall have neither my thing nor me. And remember what happened to you the last time you tried to get me to come to Mordor.”
“Go then! See if I care!” The Nazgul said, still sobbing.
Frodo felt somewhat sorry for the pathetic black-cloaked creature writhing on the bed.
“Maybe we can still be friends,” Frodo said. “I’ll call you.”
And he walked out of the chamber, whistling a hobbity tune.
They lay in bed, watching out the large cracked window of the tower.
“Frodo, my precious.”
A cold hand touched Frodo’s back. Frodo turned his face stubbornly into his pillow. “I will not speak to you until you take that ridiculous black cloak off.”
“Sssssss.” A cold breath on Frodo’s neck sent shivers up his spine. “My love. My heart. Anything for you.”
“And you promised we would build a real house. That was three years ago. We continue to live in this dump with no privacy. Mount Doom grumbles so much that I can hardly sleep at night. I’ve asked you several times to get rid of that nasty orc-eating spider you insist on keeping as a pet. You seem to forget it nearly killed me.”
The Captain sounded hurt. “I thought you two had made up. And don’t call Shelob an it. That hurts her feelings.”
“IT disgusts me,” Frodo said, turning to face the Captain of the Nazgul. “It, it, it. I shall call Shelob an it as long as it pleases me.” Frodo stubbornly crossed his arms.
“Peace, my precious Baggins, peace,” the Captain said. “Please? Could we please have sex tonight? You haven’t put out in three weeks. I’m turning cold inside.”
Frodo sighed, indignant. “How does that make me feel better? I have to pleasure myself while you put your wraithy member inside me. What am I supposed to do? Imagine that something’s inside me? If I didn’t take care of myself, all I would feel is cold air. Actually, now is as good a time as any. We need to talk.”
The Captain recoiled with a deadly hiss as Frodo sat up, his arms still crossed.
“Come now,” Frodo patted the bed next to him.
The Captain sat beside him, his shoulders slumped. Then a white, bony hand crept over to Frodo’s knee and began to rub. “Come my little button mushroom, let’s forget all this silly talking.”
“And you still haven’t taken off your cloak,” Frodo said, pulling away. “Now, I’ve been doing some thinking. I think we should see other people.”
“Ssssss!” The Captain recoiled again. His bony hands clawed the air in dismay. “No, Frodo! Please! I can change. I promise!”
Frodo spoke, his cheeks flushed with desire—desire to leave. “I think I should like to go home. First I shall pass through Emyn Arnen. Prince Faramir and I have some unfinished business to take care of. And by the way, he has something real in his pants. And he actually disrobes when he has sex. Then I shall stop by Minas Tirith. Aragorn told me that if I should change my mind, there was always a spot for me in his bed. And last but not least, I shall go home to the Shire, where Sam and Rosie have been keeping the bed very warm for me. Yes, I will leave at once!”
Frodo leaped from the bed and began to pack. The Nazgul wept in great screeching wails.
“My precious, no! I cannot bear it if you leave me! Come, come in Mordor you shall stay!”
Frodo turned to him from the exit. “You shall have neither my thing nor me. And remember what happened to you the last time you tried to get me to come to Mordor.”
“Go then! See if I care!” The Nazgul said, still sobbing.
Frodo felt somewhat sorry for the pathetic black-cloaked creature writhing on the bed.
“Maybe we can still be friends,” Frodo said. “I’ll call you.”
And he walked out of the chamber, whistling a hobbity tune.
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no subject
Date: 2002-09-21 09:08 pm (UTC)Hee!
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You did it! You really did it!
Wow, what a way to wrap up an evening of dinner and blues (Sugar Blue, if you've heard of him). Hope I didn't put too much pressure on you, but I'm kinda glad I did. I am laughing, laughing, laughing, like the summer over the field...
I have to pleasure myself while you put your wraithy member inside me. What am I supposed to do? Imagine that something’s inside me?
"Your wraithy member." *snicker* I feel an icon coming on...
No, Frodo! Please! I can change. I promise!
O.K. Confess: South Park Movie influence? Or am I the only one for whom this evoked visions of Saddam Hussein doing cartwheels and singing "I can change! I can change!"???
And by the way, he has something real in his pants.
:-D
You shall have neither my thing nor me.
*in hysterics* Another quote for the books.
Pretty damn good for a 20-minute quickie. ;-)
Re: You did it! You really did it!
Nope, no pressure. Just a whim. And because it was more preferrable than doing school work (damn procrastination)
O.K. Confess: South Park Movie influence? Or am I the only one for whom this evoked visions of Saddam Hussein doing cartwheels and singing "I can change! I can change!"???
Oh, yes! I do remember that. It does kind of seem like that scene, doesn't it? heh.
Pretty damn good for a 20-minute quickie. ;-)
Thank you! I have the feeling the author of that Ringwraith/Frodo fic would be awfully surprised if she knew how much fun we were having with it!
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Date: 2002-09-21 10:51 pm (UTC)no subject
That is absolutely classic! That has to go in the hall of fame with Baranduin's icon about Lily's Mary Sue story ("I've seen her buttocks. And they frightened me" or something)...
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Date: 2002-09-21 11:28 pm (UTC)Especially love the "Maybe we can still be friends... I'll call you." Awwww... poor Witch-king!! Haven't we all heard that one? ;)
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Date: 2002-09-22 12:03 am (UTC)ha ha ha!!!!!!!!
I loved this, Claudia! Frodo can be such a little slut when he feels like it..
Great stuff. And that "wraithy thing" icon of Sally's - fantastic.
I adore parody!
T
x
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Glad you enjoyed it! Parody is indeed fun.
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Date: 2002-09-22 03:35 pm (UTC)XXXOOO
Lorraine
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Date: 2005-06-14 08:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-14 02:06 pm (UTC)Hehehe. I think this was a one-shot deal. Thankyou!
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Date: 2007-06-26 02:48 am (UTC)That is one of the funniest things I have ever read! From way before I knew you! :-D
Don't know what prompted you linking to this but whooha! what a good time!
Hewene
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Date: 2007-06-28 08:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-26 10:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-28 08:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-26 10:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-28 08:42 pm (UTC)